Tuesday, July 3, 2012

A Letter To God

Dear God, you know what? Next time, please just take my life. Don't take away anyone else I love. I can't deal with the pain, anger and sorrow. Is it my fault for being such a bad person? My life fell to pieces that year because of what happened. I just managed to build it back up and now everything's falling apart again. Why, God? Why? Why do you take away an innocent life and let someone like me live? I'm not strong enough to face this alone. You were there for me once, will you be there this time? 


Please. Just take away all this pain and self-loathing. I can't live with myself anymore. I can't even cry anymore. Each time I cry, I feel weak and stupid for letting myself care so much. I'm trying to be the best I can be. But is that ever going to be enough for you?


Some people think I'm stupid for getting so attached to others. I always hear "It's going to be okay." or "Death is just a part of life, you have to learn to accept it." And I try. I really do. But what if it was a murder or suicide? Did it happen because it was "supposed" to happen? 


I can't remember the number of times I wished I could die. I even begged you to take me away from this world. I have a problem, I know. I think I'm suicidal. I feel guilty because I know my family loves me. And I've always known I'm never going to be good enough. As a daughter, sister and friend. 


And the ANGER I feel sometimes. It scares me. Sometimes I get so angry to the point I think about evil things I could do. I pretend to be okay. But I'm not. I'm perfectly fine some days. But on really bad days, those evil thoughts creep back into my mind. 


The guilt I live with. The way I feel when I know I haven't done my best, disappointed my parents, gave up even when I promise I wouldn't. 


Lord, please forgive me for being such a failure in life. Please help me try to be a better person. I don't want to live like this anymore. It hurts too much. 


I can't deal with deaths. I can't handle seeing someone one day, and watching them leave from my life the next day.


a plead for help,
Maine.
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