Friday, October 12, 2012

Dealing With The Past 101.

The past is never where you think you left it - Katherine Anne Porter. 

I've been thinking a lot lately about the past. I guess it's because I've been in a weird mood all week.

Have you ever thought about the mistakes you made, the people you used to know, the things you used to do and just the past in general?

Things have changed so much in the last 2 years. If you told me those 2 years ago, that I turn out the way I am today, I would have laughed and I probably wouldn't have believed you. When I was depressed, I never saw the future optimistically. To me back then, the future was nothing but dark dreadful days filled with lost hope and despair. Some people wonder what I have to be depressed about. My life might seem "perfect" on the outside, but in truth, my life is like an ocean that is rarely ever calm. Now I see the future in a different way. I believe that things CAN change for the better, and nothing is ever as hopeless as it seems.

I wonder a lot about the mistakes I made. Would life turn out different if I made the right decision? But then I realize, every mistake I made, every choice I made, made me who I am today. Would I really be a better person, had I not make mistakes in the past? Or would I be someone who never found out the darker side of life? Is that really a good thing? Mistakes happen, and you can't change the fact that it did. But you can learn from it and let it make you a better person.


People who come and go, never stopping to say hello. 

Friendship. Something I once thought that would last forever. Then I watched as my friends, one by one disappeared from my life. The people I thought would be there forever. The memories I once shared with them. New friends, new life, new me. New memories, dreams and hopes for the future. I'm sorry that those friendships couldn't last. But I'm thankful at least for the memories. And that will never change. I used to be so bitter and angry, watching them leave and not being able to do anything to stop them. Over these years, I've learned that it's okay to let go, people change, but memories remain. Sometimes, we change so much, we don't have anything in common anymore and slowly our friendships fade into nothingness. When I see people from my past, those memories are like faded dreams. We smile, say hello, chat and eventually go on our own paths in life. And that's okay. 

The past slips away, and suddenly it's a brand new day. 

Memories of childhood were the dreams that stayed with you after you woke up-Julian Barnes.

My childhood was the best part of my life. The only time I never knew pain and heartbreak. Then I grew up, and everything changed. I remember playing in the rain, drawing kid drawings on large pieces of paper, teasing my brothers, reading every book I could find in the house, being easily overwhelmed by normal things like ear piercings and shopping complexes, swinging on swings at the playground with my best friend, marveling at the birth of kittens and puppies, going to Rangers and remembering the first Camporama I went to, cycling in the neighborhood and being terrified of being chased by dogs, appreciating every chocolate cake that came my way. Life was just so SIMPLE back then. So wonderful. It was as though everyday was an adventure, no sad thoughts & broken dreams; just fun and excitement. Pure joy, all I remember is that. Innocence. 

I smile when I remember the fact that books, was my first love. A way to be introduced to other people's lives, different worlds and the magic of stories that showed me so many things about life I still remember until now. Music was my second love. I watched my cousins play the guitar/piano, and ever since then I wanted to learn musical instruments. Listened to old songs and bands. To this day, I still remember the oldies I heard on the radio when I was 5.

Surprisingly, I hardly ever watched tv. Only when certain cartoons were on. haha, you can never get rid of the kid inside of you. I liked crime shows back then too, a little sadistic for a 7 year old, maybe? And the computer. Psshh. I never properly figured out how to use one till I was older than 10 or so. Never wanted to. That was before blogger and facebook. Haha.

I'll be 16 in 3 months. I'm not the person I used to be anymore.

Not the 5 year old girl who never missed a chance to laugh, and be silly.
Not the 6 year old girl curled up on the sofa, reading books.
Not the 8 year old who played old "Malaysian" games like Pepsi-Cola and etc with her friends during recess.
Not the 9 year old who was always shy with strangers and constantly scraping her legs, falling off bicycles.
Not the awkward 12 year old girl, who wanted to end her life because she couldn't understand her life anymore.
Not the 13 year old girl who was determined to move on with her life and discover herself.
Not the lost girl who was afraid of being thought fat and ugly. And dreaded criticism. Timid, afraid.

Now I'm a 15 year old girl, who knows what she wants in life, defends herself when she's looked down upon, isn't afraid to speak her mind, has faith in herself and who is determined to be a better person.

Things change.

I'm not afraid to be ME. And that's why everything's changed.

You won't be able to move on until you accept the fact that the past happened, but you are, in fact, in charge of shaping the present and future to what you want it to be. 

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