Friday, January 3, 2014

When Grief Encompasses Hope.

"In times of sorrow, always remember: there will be a tomorrow."

I believe that keeping the memory of a loved one alive in your heart matters, even if it hurts.

Dobby was a rescued kitten from an alley, in April 2013. She was thin, she limped and she was endearingly annoying. We dubbed her Dobby because of her love for socks (and pens). 

If you haven't figured it out yet, Dobby died this afternoon. I don't want to explain how it happened. I don't want people telling me "The Lord has given, and the Lord has taken away." I absolutely hate it when people actually think that saying that is somehow comforting to hear. It's not, okay? It's bad enough feeling like crap, and to have people tell you it's God's will for something horrible to happen. So if you tell me that, I'll slap you in the face.

I've been bursting into tears and crying my heart out for the past two hours, because of the grief and anger that I'm feeling. I don't show it much, but I'm a freaking crybaby. I cry whenever someone or something that matters to me dies. I cry when I'm so filled with anger that it makes me feel like smashing things or hurting myself. Sometimes I wish I had a heart of stone, so I won't feel pain, sadness, anger and misery anymore.

This has been, one of the crappiest, shittiest (yes, I cursed, so what?) awful beginning of a year I've ever had. Starting with a crappy New Year's Eve, when I had to go to church even though I was exhausted from taking the test and having a premonition that this could turn out to be a horrible year, with a horrible beginning. And now, this happened.

Isn't it bloody ironic that a death can make a person suicidal? You might think I'm overreacting, but I've had a horrible history with deaths of pets, and I've a freaking load of personal problems that I have to deal with. Why do you think I'm so detached from other people? I'm just a person filled with resentment, anger and bitterness, trying desperately to pretend that I'm normal, happy and that everything's alright with my life.

I don't deal well with grief. Or any other negative emotion. I turn bitter, angry and lost in grief.
Unexpected deaths are the worst. It hurts a lot more when you never saw it coming. 
I don't care what people think, there's a place in heaven for animals that were loved, as there is a place for people. Heaven wouldn't be heaven without a fluffy bundle of fur to greet you in the morning. If you're an animal lover that is.

I'm sick of life, sick of living and sick of pretending.

"Blinded by grief, blinded by anger, thus the cause of sorrow that lingers."

Don't you see why I think it's always better to be alone, and to be hurt by losing someone I care about?



P.S. I would write about how school was, but I won't. Not now. All I can tell you is I've a new deskmate, and the prospects of studying is gradually looking better than dealing with life's balderdash.

P.P.S. Looking at this post again, I'm pretty ashamed of not being able to deal with grief. But hey, a person needs to rant and let the pain out, comprendre? :( 

2 comments:

  1. Aww! Dobby looks so adorable! I'm sorry to hear about your loss D:
    Ranting is great if it lets you release your stress. Because developing suicidal tendencies from bottling it up isn't the best idea at all.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Yeah, I don't enjoy ranting, but its certainly better than the alternatives :(

      Delete

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