Tuesday, June 24, 2014

Nuggets, Pencil and A Letter To You

Facts do not cease to exist because they're ignored.

Hey there! :)

Just let me wear my eyeliner and be emo, okay? -___- 

I swear, the next person who comments on my panda eyes will have coconuts thrown at him.

That's So Random:
   Anyone else having the same problem of only one recent blog post showing up on dashboard and not being able to load the others? -__-


I love you Tumblr *kisses computer screen*

   I must introduce you to Renoirs on Tumblr. It's a tumblr blog full of relatable and hilarious quotes, and I LOVE IT. It makes me laugh like crazy and feel happy. (Not a sponsored post, LOL) Also, I've been watching a lot of Superwoman videos lately! And I'm a huge fan now (especially after watching her Draw My Life video) . I watched one video, a long time ago and forgot about it. Dapple kept mentioning her, so I thought "why not?" and had a video marathon (which I had to cut short because I realized I forgot to exercise and finish a book)

   I really want shorter hair these days. Why? Because it's such a bother to braid it each morning while sweat is running down my face (You're welcomed :P for that visual image you just had) and mostly because it's SO unhealthy now. It's really dry from all the dyeing I did :l and I have split ends. Gahh. But I look weird with shorter hair, even though I like it. And I'd miss styling it. But it's so easy, just tie it into a ponytail and yay, no sweat and tears, trying to keep it neat. Have to think this over first though :l It's a nuisance when the weather is hot.

Make Your Own Pencil: 
   Someone called me a pessimist today (not exactly, he just described one). I mean, psshhh..do you not know me? -.- 4 years of being friends. FOUR. And you think that of me? HAHA, okay, I know he was kidding. But still..ouch. My feelings.

   Canteen Day is coming soon! I'm so excited, I'm practically jumping up and down in my mind. My class is having a stall, but I won't be helping out as much, cause I want to check out the other stalls. The weather was hazy and hot today, I kept folding my arms and resting my head on them. Encik Zaki told the class I was sleeping, but I wasn't. Just closing my eyes and mumbling "It's so hot" under my breath to Fad.

   Jihah, Laily and Nab were making funny jokes about something (In Chem lab), and I was doing my "sleeping on desk" thing, with Jihah's arm around me (no lesbo :P) and Iman or Alif commented on it, saying "Dating ah?" I was too lazy to respond. Jihah said "Yes, you jealous ke?" Come on guys, that's perfectly normal in friendships. After Chemistry class, I stayed back in the lab for a while with Dapple and Mee En (Should I call you Angeline or CME in my blog?) because they wanted to ask teacher some questions about the equations.

   Went out of the lab, and ran into Edward (who is super tall) from SPBT daerah club (am I wrong or confused?). Dapple and I chatted with him for a while. He said he knows me from CF, because I don't attend, HAHA. Apparently, I'm notorious for not attending. *facepalm*

   Mini rant: A.S. wouldn't let me borrow his phone to call my dad (teacher let us leave early today), even though he borrowed it to Mee En -__- Just to annoy me. Dude, I've borrowed my pen, pencil, ruler, textbook and heaven knows what else, and you can't lend your phone to me for one phone call? 

   Iman offered to give me some coins to use the payphone, but then A.S. changed his mind and handed his phone to me. Urgghh.. thank God for nice guys like Iman (you are da bomb) -.- and as for A.S., you...urgh. Next time you ask me for a pencil, I'll tell you to chop down a tree and make one yourself. People do something nice for you, appreciate it lah. Just one small favor and it's a problem to you *Rant over*

Shoutout to Yee for the Pringles :D and a headsmack to Way Jie for calling me "Oi". 

The Nugget That Changed My Life:
   (Post about Monday/yesterday) So Dapple, MS and Mee En left me alone yesterday. I didn't read my messages till I was ready for school, so I had to go to school because I was already awake. School was actually pretty fun. Went for recess with Jihah and Nab, they introduced me to chicken nuggets (first kicap chicken, now this? You guys..*wipes tear from eye* are amazing) which changed my life. I mean seriously, the taste was..*drools* I'm going to eat it again someday.

   We went to the  toilet (forgot my manners, sorry)  washroom. Pavithra suddenly appeared, and cue the not-awkward-at-all hi's and conversation about old classmates and teasing Jihah about her boyfriends (past and present :P). Went back to class lateeeee. Vemlan walked back with me (Jihah and Nab saw a car window..and immediately went to check their tudungs..headscarf?, LOL you guys..) and I forgot what we were talking about, but yeah. I don't talk to him much these days. He kept mentioning marriage, I said "Erm dude, still young lah." HAHA.

Knocked on the class door, entered and got pinched by the BM teacher for being late. It was kinda funny though, the expressions on everyone's (who was late) faces when we got pinched. I had to do another punishment for forgetting to do the last part of my homework, with Mohana. The guys who didn't do their homework had to do pumping.

   ICT class, teacher asked where MS, Mee En and Dapple was...I wasn't really sure, so I didn't say anything. I got really high and had to hide my face from smiling too much; just because the teacher accidentally said something funny. Internet connection in the lab was really slow that day. We were learning about databases..and we actually have to create one. Say what?! Teacher Olin said it would be harder than programming. *sigh* Still excited though.

    After ICT, started walking to the gate. I looked at the side of block C (building) and saw a sign that said "gas room". It made me laugh, don't ask me why. HAHA. hey, it's funny okay :3 Vemlan suddenly appeared next to me, and I thought of Harry Potter for some reason. (Invisibility cloak) We talked until we reached the gate, then we said bye to each other twice, LOL. It's really weird, not wanting to throw things at him like I used to. Can't believe we're civilized human beings now. *Snorts*

A Letter To You (You'd know who you are)
This letter isn't meant to be offensive in any way or hurt anyone's feelings. You can be insulted if you want, but there's really no reason to be. I wrote this, just so you'd know.

Also, it's not meant to be a rant. Or to be dramatic (somehow it is -.-) It's a letter of defeat, of acceptance.

I repeat, NOT OFFENSIVE (ironically, after those two words: No offense, usually comes offensive stuff. Gosh, shut up, me. I'm making this worse..wait...shut up ME? shut ME up or...? Nevermind) 

Dear You,

   Let me start off by saying this: We've know each other for years now. And I believe you deserve to know the truth, because I consider you a friend (although sometimes I doubt you do the same. It's okay, I don't expect everyone to like me).

   I want to thank you (no sarcasm, I'm completely serious. Don't be offended.) for writing about how you feel about me, or I would have been oblivious about it otherwise. The truth hurts, but it doesn't kill. Lies may please, but doesn't heal.

   This sounds weird, but I knew you would write that (mind reader *pumps fist in air*), I suspected you would, and you did. My first reaction when reading it: Upset (it was insulting to me, so obviously I would be insulted, I ain't a saint)..

   Then some insane part of me had rush of endorphins to my brain which made me think "So what if I find it insulting? This is hilarious!" And was high and happy for the whole night. After I sobered down, I felt hurt.

   About the fact you concluded it was me (although it partly is, I was far too sensitive about it) who was the problem, not the situation itself. How I feel now? Resigned. I've accepted the situation as it is, and I give up on trying to change myself, because I can't. I know you don't mind it, but I do. I probably shouldn't have let you know.

    Honestly, if I hadn't missed you guys, if I didn't give a damn about you or our friendship, I would have walked away a long time ago without looking back. It's only a part of me who still cares that decided that you guys were worth fighting for, worth staying for and worth suffering through awkward (in my mind) social interactions.

   Maybe the logical part of me was right. Maybe it isn't worth it. But I don't want to stop trying because you're still my friends. It's time I start making sacrifices (not humans, not animals or inanimate objects..or even fruits. Maybe fruits, cause them yummy) for you.

   Despite my arrogant, I-don't-care, demeanour, I'm still insecure and I do care. I still see my flaws and accepted that I can never be the social, outspoken person who is well-liked by everyone. I don't have that in me.

   You think that I never try to change or make an effort to make new friends. I do, it's just much harder with people I'm not comfortable with. It doesn't come to me naturally, after all those years of isolating myself from people. I don't think highly enough of myself to assume everyone wants to be friends with me, but I do wish they would. I'll admit to that.

   If you don't want to listen to me rant or complain, it's fine. You're not obligated to listen or care about it. I just wanted someone to talk to about it. The reason why I tell you things, isn't to influence you to think the way I do; it's because I want someone to know and understand what I'm going through. (I think that's the part which you misunderstood)

   I don't want to be secretly pissed off and hold grudges. It makes me bitter and resentful. And I know, because that's what I used to do.

    What I mean to say is, it's okay to feel frustrated and annoyed with me for voicing out my feelings. I know I can be brutally/blatantly honest (almost all the time. I do see my faults). And I promise I won't complain/rant or tell you how I feel about things anymore, because it only seems to upset you. (I'll have rant warnings on my blog, so you can skip them)

   You have my word, sworn on River Styx. The oath can't get any solemner that that. Please don't get upset if you feel like I'm not telling you things, and keeping secrets from you. I'm doing this, because I know how you feel about it and I think it's better this way. For all of us. This is how things are meant to be.

   When I feel uncomfortable or left out, I'll keep quiet. I swear, you won't hear a peep from me. I'll act like everything's okay and I'm fine with it. If you wish for it to be that way, then I will try my best to do so, even if it isn't easy for me. (Once again, this is not meant to be offensive)

   I really don't care anymore. *waves white flag in air* I'm tired of arguing/debating and feeling like I don't deserve to have the people in my life, because I seem to take them for granted. I concede defeat. Give up my outspoken ways. (why does this sound dramatic? -_- I hate myself)
   Don't take things the wrong way. Sometimes, when I say things, it's just my observation and perception of the situation. I'm not trying to insult anyone or make you feel annoyed. I don't get why you're upset about it, when i'm not trying to provoke or insult anyone. I'm just saying it. But I can understand how you misinterpreted the situation, because you don't know the whole story. And I can't tell you about it either because it's not my secret to share.

   It took me a while to come to the realization that I do have friends. I do have people who are there for me. To go crazy with and tell stupid stories to. And I forget to appreciate them. Someday, I'm going to go around and give hugs to random friends/people and say "Thank you for staying in my life." When I have the guts to do so *sheepish face*. Whispers "Group huggggs.." 

   I'm sorry for being a pain in the ass. (did I just..wow.. *slaps self* for cursing) I'm sorry I was too insensitive/obtuse to realize you felt that way. I think I need time to adjust to how things have changed. I know I am far too dependent on you because I hate being in church alone. I'll sit alone in service next week for a change. Or at least try to, cause I might chicken out at the last second *hits head repeatedly on the desk* Feel free to tell me to go pick some berries and just deal with it. Lord knows, I should.

   This letter is getting far too long, so here's my closure: This is the last time I'm bringing this up to you (Might still discuss it with someone else though) After this, you won't be hearing about it anymore, unless you ask. And even then, I would probably lie, just to spare your feelings :P (You can thank me later..just kidding) I'm only human #christinaperri, don't expect me to be perfect :l


P.S. It's quite obvious to me that you do dislike me (you're not exactly hiding it). Don't deny it, it's insulting to my intelligence (not that I have much of it) but don't worry, I won't bother you/will keep my distance if you do :)

P.S. Excuse the weird title, I've just only realized now what it sounds like! *sigh*


    *let me finish reading this first then I will comment for real*

    1. IKR, why, Blogger, why you do this?! :l Can only see the MOST recent update. -.- Alright ;D

  2. Oh okay I'm done reading and I love the tumblr quotes you put up :D
    Also, I've been down that alley too Q.Q the friends-don't-seem-to-wanna-be-friends one :c

    1. Ikr, yummm to tumblr! :D yeah, it's sad :'( like y u no like me?! Hahaha

  3. Im facing the same problem with the blogger dashboard toooooo! oh NOOOOOOOOO. D:

    1. *shakes fist at whoever's fault this is* SO FRUSTRATED

  4. So much going on in this post! I really liked the humor in the quotes. It must have taken a lot of courage to write this and post it on the Internet. Words can create a lot of inspiration and beauty, but sometimes they can also cause harm; it's our choice for what kind of words come out of our mouths. I hope that whatever pain you and the other party are feeling will be healed. Hope things will turn out for the best!

    -Riley XO

    1. I tend to broach on a million topics at once, hahaha! Yeah, the quotes are hilarious :) It was difficult, but necessary too, I think. That's true, I've always thought the same (: Thank you for your well wishes!


Say something , I'd really appreciate it! <3

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