Saturday, June 7, 2014

The Darkness Within Me.

You think I'm perfect, don't you? Well, I'm not. 
(Credits to Tumblr OP)

Hey there!
(It's not like we're friends anyway)
Warning: Skip to photos, if you can't handle depression and confessions. Yes, this will be a rant.

I've been in a weird mood of late.
   Every time I think that it's finally over, and I can be really happy for the first time; my demons come back to haunt me. Just when I think I can finally put everything behind me, the insecurities, fears and anger comes flooding back.

   This isn't really about other people (okay, maybe a little) . It isn't because of my family, friends or cats; it's because I'm struggling with conflicting emotions, the constant fear that people secretly hate me, but that's okay because..

   And the worst part is, no one ever believes me when I tell them how I feel. Why? Apparently I'm awfully good at being happy. Or at least pretending to be. I think I am genuinely happy, but what if I've been pretending to be for so long, I finally believe I really am?

   Some people tell me to just "deal with it" because after all, everyone has their own problems too. I'm sorry, I didn't realize that other people having problems, makes my own troubles insignificant. And yes, I'm being sarcastic and condescending, but hey, that's your problem. And you wonder why I don't tell you things and feel like you'd never understand.

   When I was younger, I never understood why people commit suicide. I thought they were selfish because they didn't consider the feelings of the people who loved them. Then I grew up, and I got to know the demons who torments everyone and understood the darkness within. Fears, insecurities, doubts, anger and pain. Feeling like no one ever really cared about who you are, only who they expect you to be. Being unable to escape from reality.

   Sometimes, I think about it. Not about killing myself, because I'm afraid to hurt the people who really loves me. But I think about dying, and honestly, I wouldn't care if I did. I'm contented to be alive, but I'm not afraid of death. I don't think I have much to live for. I feel guilty too, because some people have worse problems than I do and I'm probably a brat for even voicing this out. But I can't stay silent forever.

   You asked me why I read so much, learn new forms of crafting and spend hours trying to learn a music piece; I told you it's because I think it's important to experience and learn new things in life. The truth is it makes me feel like I have a purpose, a reason to live. And I needed to escape from reality. So what if I'm not really good at it? At least it makes me happy.

   The truth is, sometimes I despise everyone. Especially myself. I despise the fact everyone copes with their problems better than I can and that they can be happy without feeling torn up on the inside. I hate myself for not being able to do that without pushing everyone away and feeling like it's better for me to be alone and not care about anyone, than to care about people and feel like utter crap all the time.

Things that I'm struggling with right now:

  1. Constantly feeling left out - Which is slightly ridiculous, because I have more than one group of friends to spend time with, but I still feel that way. And there are a lot of people in both groups, so..yeah. It's ridiculous.
  2. Getting annoyed when people say it's my fault because I was the one who left first - Oh, so I guess that gives you the right to leave me out of things and forget about me even though I'm making an effort to be more involved. Good to know what sort of friend you are :) I'm sorry for being in a different phase of life and for being distant; but that's all I'm sorry for. I'm done apologizing and feeling like absolute shit when my apologies doesn't seem to matter to you. Oh, did I curse? Well, just freaking deal with it, sweetheart. Or maybe it's just me being an Ocean. Yep, probably that. 
  3. Feeling guilty for snapping at someone who tried to help - You were one of the people I could really talk to, and I just flipped my berries when you told an inappropriate joke in a (admittedly feeble) attempt to cheer me up. And I'm really sorry for that. You might be a idiot, but you're still my friend and I love you in a platonic way.
  4. Getting worried about gaining weight - Used to get teased a lot (to the point it hurt) about being fat and having flab (that rhymes!), so now I'm paranoid about getting fatter because I really love food and I haven't been exercising properly like I used to. 
  5. Thinking I don't care about people, when the truth is I care too much. 
  6. Hating myself for being a beeaaccchhhh - Which is rather ironic, given that this post is rather beachy. (And no, I can't spell it another way because Dapple or Barney would slap me) 
  7. I'm afraid of commitment.

If I don't reply to your messages, answer your calls or basically tell you to go pick some berries and leave me alone.........This is why.

I'm trying to figure out a way to deal with my issues/problems (whatever you want to call it) and thank my cats for cheering me up (I envision myself as an old lady with 50 cats) when humans failed to do so.

I'm honestly sorry if this post offended you, or hurt your feelings in any way. 
I'm hurt too, which is why I'm lashing out.
This is just how I feel.

Life Updates

  1. I updated my wishlist (under Wishes *lessthanthree*) so feel free to buy things for me. HAHA. Just kidding. But you know. 
  2. Going to Burgerland later which is greaattt. Feeling slightly tired of going out even though I really want to.
  3. Went out with Esther to watch Maleficient :) And this happened.
We found mini Esther.

There was a teddy bear in the car, which spooked me out at first. HAHA. 
oh, and Esther's mum is awesome for belanja-ing me :D 
And yes, Esther is pretty awesome too.

4. I made a bunch of fishtail bracelets out of boredom and sheer curiousity.

Colorful, yum yum.

Is anyone else getting sick of the fact my depressing posts usually ends on a happy note? -___-

I hate myself.

I'm not even pretending.

I'm seriously moody and happy at the same time.

Curse you, sanity pills.

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